Why relationships shouldn't be hard work

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    Mar 13, 2014
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Photo by JD Hancock

Why relationships shouldn't be hard work

Looking back at my past relationships and people I have dated I have learnt a lot of lessons, about myself and about my partners, life and how couples in general are.

When I  speak to couples about their relationships they will say to me, it's good to argue, it keeps the relationship going, or no arguments means no passion.
It would be boring without disagreements, we can't agree on everything.
We must change for our partners and learn to compromise.

While I agree to some extent on some of these levels, I don't believe in ever changing who you are for someone, whether you love them or not.
You are born as a unique person of yourself and out their is someone else who fits you perfectly.
No one owns you and you are never anyone's property, in fact if we look at it, we are on rent to each other, even to ourselfs, our bodies are not permanent, one day we will end our contract of life and return it to its source.

So don't it make sense that the person we decide to give our precious time too, is our soul mate, a person who we can laugh, love and be our true selves with.

I spent many time in a relationship, together because it was easier, we invested money, and time into it, we had pets, commitment and property.
But we didn't have a true connection, arguments were least once a week, and we never helped each other grow spiritually, mentally or physically.

This was a major drain, but a life lesson.

Love making became a chore, and that is not a connection.
When you are connected to your one, or other half as we say, you want to please them, you want to make them smile, and you spend time trying to achieve this, this isn't being under the thumb, too soft, or too nice, it's showing someone that they are special to you, that time is short and that they are significant in this world. 

I see couples who are together but don't really do anything together, they spend most days 5-6 out of 7 for over 10 hours apart at work and then sleep 8 hours leaving about 6 hours a day spare to do stuff together, most of that sometimes is spent arguing, different rooms, in silence and yet this is seen as normal for couples, to live like this.

Look invest the fact we need our own space and time, but we also need a daily dose of positive time with out loved ones.
Not once a week, or once a week watching same tv show.
That is not connecting, it's amazing watching couples, who actually enjoy it theme their partners aren't home, or will be late.

When you speak about someone's partner and they make negative noises, frowns, and I think you don't even realise what you subconsciously are saying.
You quickly block it out with I love them, it is normally, after the aphoneymoon stage.


Make every day a honeymoon stage, we become lazy, and we get stale, in a rut and complacement.
How hard did you try to win your partners heart?
Only then to stop once you got together, the little cute notes, stop, the random chats they stop
The hugs and kisses they stop
Intimacy stops
Enjoying each other and learning more about one another that stops too

Some partners don't even know 10% about their apparently life partners.

It's sad.

I don't quite understand this mentality, but I do also understand people don't like change, they don't like loss, they don't like to think they spent all this time on someone and it just isn't right, if they break up it was years wasted.

Sometimes couples get together for security, sometimes one of the persons has helped the other through a bad time, or breakup and the other individual feels kind of obliged to continue this relationship even when they are not truly in it.

I try to say to people when they complain about their partners, if you argue regularly and don't really talk, why are you together? 
Answers normally are I love him/her, but I think it's down to this, it's all you know, it's what you accept to be ok for a relationship, it's far easier then moving on and taking another gamble, because taking another chance could mean you might fail again and it's far better to stay with the devil you know then put your heart and soul out their again.

A few questions I like to ask:

Do you have a friend?
Is their a friend who you argue with a lot?
A friend who annoys you?
A friend you like not seeing?
A friend who you speak negative about?
A friend you don't like doing things with?
A friend that just isn't really there with you?

Your answer and mine is absolutely not, why would I be friends with someone like that, and they were rude, or annoying, or get on my tits I wouldn't be friends with them.

So why do people then marry that exact person?

I truly think people make excuses for their relationships, and that excuse is passed around and accepted by others in similar situations, because it makes the relationship seem more normal, and if that is normal it doesn't need change or fixing.

A cop out.

Now this is going to offend people, who will say this is wrong, I don't understand relationships, life isn't perfect, things take work.

But there are people who found the right person and they will be 100% with me on this.

If finding someone as a friend who makes you laugh, feel secure, happy, and genuinely cares and knows you, why don't you look for a partner with the same aspects?

I just want to see people happy, and with people who appreciate their beauty, inner and outer.
Take nothing for granted.
Take a chance 



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